Can a party popper cause irreversible damage? Scientists now say….

We’ve all been there. We’ve all felt the excitement. That rush, the thrill. Uncontrollable urge to explode all over someone else. Metaphorically mostly.

But is it wrong? Well, morally and ethically no, it is quite alright to make a mess on someone else’s body or property. Health-wise, it is  probably debatable. So we should probably do some sort of test, come up with a conclusion and then tell no-one.

Scientists Now Say took it upon themselves to do bit of experimenting. Head Sciencer Franz Reichelt spent 6 minutes designing a fool proof and rather fun experiment. The details of which are about to follow these very words. After a picture.

Kelly Brook – moments after possibly taking someone’s eye out. Butter wouldn’t melt. She was heard to yell “have that ya bastard” before unleashing her load. (For legal reason’s SNS need to clarify that Kelly Brook has never, to our knowledge, injured anyone with a party popper)

 

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Experiment

Method

Franz to release party poppers repeatedly into the faces and onto the bodies of 5 contractually willing and low-paid humans. Suggested popper per person ratio 10:1. For true scientific accuracy absolutely no safety gear would be worn by the participants.

Results

1. Franz enjoyed himself a lot.

2. One contestant claimed to now be completely blind. However, on inspection, our onsite doctor confirmed only partial-blindness in one eye.

3. Three of the contestants didn’t feel much physical pain but did feel somewhat degraded by the whole thing.

4. The final participant turned out to have a fetish for this sort of thing. While suffering mild physical pain upon receiving the party popper barrages, she actually got a bit of a mental high from it.

Conclusion

Yes, party poppers fired directly at humans can cause pain. Or at least cause emotional trouble.

Don’t do it. Don’t be Kelly Brook.

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Franz Reichelt, Melbourne, 2017

Is Scientology really science? Amazingly Scientists Now Say….

Scientists Now Say’s resident Scientology expert Franz Reichelt has delved deep, deep, deep into the the Scientology jungle and come to a shocking conclusion. Earth, October 2017.

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Science. Scientology. Both words begin with the same 5 letters. At the 6th they deviate and take different directions. Let’s remember that fact for later.

Scientology is surely a hot potato, of that there can be no doubt. It’s probably best likened to a piping hot double baked Maris Piper fresh out of the oven. Hold it in your hands and you’re going to get your fingers burned, badly. But is it science?

Some current Theologians are not so sure. Dirk Wigglesthwaite, Head Theologian at the UCL of London, goes as far as saying “Scientology isn’t even a Religion, it’s quite clearly just a lot of half-baked nonsense made up by a now perished Science Fiction writer.” The evidence Dr Wigglesthwaite provides, on the surface, appears pretty conclusive. “Even that man himself didn’t believe in it, he more or less admitted that it was contrived,” said Dirk as he finished the last of a packet of Garibaldis. It was put to Dirk that this didn’t really answer the ultimate question. Dirk smiled, then laughed, then went to the toilet. He came back and triumphantly trumpeted “You’ll understand one day my son¹. Once you’ve reached Operating Thetan level VII. Just make sure you have plenty of money to get there. Scientology is science when you want it to be!”

Franz’s mind and thus the entire collective mind of science had been swayed heavily towards believing that Scientology was not Science. Ready to file his report a nagging in the back of his mind stopped him. Could he truly and honestly justify his conclusion?

There was only one thing for it. Reichelt went undercover. He became a full-on Scientologist. Prior to revealing all of his dark secrets and signing over his life, he went to speak with well respected ex-Scientologist Louis Theroux just to get a feel for things as well as a feel of Louis himself. Louis had at that very meeting said the following:

“Marty Rathburn called me “a rimless zero”. I suppose that’s even less than zero because without the rim it’s just the nothingness in the middle.”

Louis Theroux speaking to Adam Buxton (probably after a few beers)

That was all the encouragement required. Franz spent the next 3 months in the Birmingham Branch of the spider’s web. During the first 2 months there Franz managed to reach the state of Clear, but reacted to it pretty badly. The last month was a whirlwind of drugs, alcohol, prostitution in both directions and bingo.

After rehabilitation, Reichelt vividly remembered everything. He had seen what he could only describe as a shit-ton of Science. “They had these things that you hold,” he said with teary emotional eyes. “You hold them tight and say things that you’ve done. Then this needle moves. Then someone looks at the needle and interprets it subjectively. It’s all very scientific. That’s why you have to pay an increasing amount to reach each level. Because, you know, science is expensive.”

While there he met everyone from the youngest Sea Org member to the charming leader who backed up the claim that Scientology ≡ Science. Franz recalls the defining moment. “He said to me “Franz, if you don’t say that Scientology is Science then I’ll put you in the hole” and from that moment on I just knew. Call it faith, I suppose.”

So there you have it, Scientists Now Say conclusively that Scientology is Science.

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¹ It was later discovered that Dr Wigglesthwaite had tried to bribe Scientist Now Say’s expert towards his way of thinking. A full pack of Wagon Wheels were found in Reichelt’s man-bag with the word ‘Sciencetology’ scribbled on the packet in marker pen.