Can a party popper cause irreversible damage? Scientists now say….

We’ve all been there. We’ve all felt the excitement. That rush, the thrill. Uncontrollable urge to explode all over someone else. Metaphorically mostly.

But is it wrong? Well, morally and ethically no, it is quite alright to make a mess on someone else’s body or property. Health-wise, it is  probably debatable. So we should probably do some sort of test, come up with a conclusion and then tell no-one.

Scientists Now Say took it upon themselves to do bit of experimenting. Head Sciencer Franz Reichelt spent 6 minutes designing a fool proof and rather fun experiment. The details of which are about to follow these very words. After a picture.

Kelly Brook – moments after possibly taking someone’s eye out. Butter wouldn’t melt. She was heard to yell “have that ya bastard” before unleashing her load. (For legal reason’s SNS need to clarify that Kelly Brook has never, to our knowledge, injured anyone with a party popper)

 

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Experiment

Method

Franz to release party poppers repeatedly into the faces and onto the bodies of 5 contractually willing and low-paid humans. Suggested popper per person ratio 10:1. For true scientific accuracy absolutely no safety gear would be worn by the participants.

Results

1. Franz enjoyed himself a lot.

2. One contestant claimed to now be completely blind. However, on inspection, our onsite doctor confirmed only partial-blindness in one eye.

3. Three of the contestants didn’t feel much physical pain but did feel somewhat degraded by the whole thing.

4. The final participant turned out to have a fetish for this sort of thing. While suffering mild physical pain upon receiving the party popper barrages, she actually got a bit of a mental high from it.

Conclusion

Yes, party poppers fired directly at humans can cause pain. Or at least cause emotional trouble.

Don’t do it. Don’t be Kelly Brook.

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Franz Reichelt, Melbourne, 2017

Who would win a Nuclear War? Trump or that North Korean chap?

War. What IS it good for? Absolutely nothing. Especially sustaining both human life and the environment.

It was Edwin Starr who sang those words as well as  “the point of war blows my mind”. Brother to hamster throwing Freddie, if Edwin Starr were alive today he wouldn’t only be worried about his mind. He’d be worried about his bollocks too. In fact he’d be worried about every man’s bollocks, with the impending threat of full scale total nuclear war. And the equivalent ladies bits.

“It is pretty obvious that we are all going to die,” says Scientist Barry Gangles of UCL London. “Think about it. More and more countries with increasingly stupid and rabid dictators have the potential to fuck us all. We, the people of so called democratic and civilized nations, keep electing morons to be in charge of very very dangerous weapons. We’re on a highway to nuclear hell.”

It is a point well made. I wouldn’t let my dog drive my car down the motorway while I sat in the back seat watching Jonathan Pie. I wouldn’t trust Ronald McDonald to babysit my children. I definitely wouldn’t rely on prayer to help anything. So why do we give inept men the power to bring on death and destruction in such magnitude? Why give Donald Trump the power to Tweet let alone press the big red button?

“We can only hope,” says Gangles, “that at the crucial moment when the POTUS has to make a decision, that Trump gets distracted and tries to grab someone’s pussy. Equally we can only hope that the North Korean chap really is just having a laugh and does actually have a heart.”

But what would the outcome be? Who would win if it all went tits up?

I went all the way to Paris, Hilton, to find out. The ingenious philanthropist and Nobble Piece Prize winner Paris Hilton explained her insightful insight. “I used a dice. Die, dice… is it die or dice? I don’t like saying die, it sounds weird. Dice. Anyway, I decided that if any number between 1 to 6 came up then we’d all die in a nuclear war. Any other number would suggest we might stand a chance.”

The results were hard to swallow.

“It didn’t matter how many times I rolled it, we just kept dying. Again and again and again. I was mortified, horrified, shocked, it seemed like the odds were heavily against survival. I haven’t slept since.”

Neither did I that night.

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So there you have it, we’re all fucked. No-one wins. This isn’t the Thunderdome. In Nuclear War when 2 men enter, no man leaves. Either that or it’s a spit-roast.

Franz Reichelt, Berlin, November, 2017

“We’re Fucked” Environmental Scientists Now Say

This week, Global Environmental Scientists have convened at a secret location in Paris to discuss the latest environmental research findings. A team of German research scientists have presented their work to the International Environmental Community, under an usually thick blanket of secrecy. Mainstream media (including ScientistsNowSay) were mysteriously uninvited to the conference, but your intrepid reporter managed to sneak in cunningly disguised as a beardy climate scientist. There I heard the news: Scientists have discovered a huge decline in the number of flying insects across Germany – as much as 75% in the last 15 years. Whilst most people including yours truly may well think “So what?” and even take this news as cause for celebration (for now we can take long strolls, have picnics, sunbathe nude and skinny-dip without fear), the IEC is gravely concerned. So what has gotten them so spooked, and why all this secrecy?

I cornered Gunther Merkel, a beardy environmental scientist, and demanded answers.

“The loss of these insects will have a profound effect on biodiversity, and therefore, LIFE AS WE KNOW IT.” Merkel said, dramatically, and with a frantic look of desperation.

The news follows on from other important and hugely depressing environmental findings, such as the effects of global warming and climate change, freakish weather, plastic pollution of the oceans, jellyfish, and more, leading Gunther and indeed the entire environmental science community to now conclude:

“We’re fucked. We used to think doing our bit would help stop climate change – save a bit of electricity here, recycle some plastic there – but the world has continued to heat up, the insects are dying, there is a plastic mountain the size of Everest in the ocean, and unless we come up with something pretty fucking drastic right now, we’re fucked. And frankly that’s not gonna happen, is it? Whatever little recycling campaign we manage to achieve right now is just a drop of pure water in the oily plastic ocean. Right, best of luck…”

“Wait! Is there nothing we can do?” I asked Gunther.
“Well, individually, no. The time for doing your bit was 40 years ago. The fact is the main polluters are huge corporations enabled by corrupt politicians that have brainwashed everyone into a consumptive stupor, with concern only for economic growth and the wads of cash it brings. So you have four choices:

1) Wake everyone up, overthrow the politicians, smash the corporations, and instigate Global Environmental Communism right now.
2) Construct your own rocket ship and get the fuck out.
3) Dig deep underground.
4) Hunker down and embrace the apocalypse. I advise you use a lot of sunscreen.”

“Apocalypse!? Is it that bad?” I said.
“Yep.” Gunther replied. “Nice to er…
“We need to get the news out!” I said. “Warn everyone!”
“We’ll, then good luck with that. You’ll have wondered why we met here in secret. Firstly, it’s a great city for a conference, good transport networks, great nightlife, and secondly, because it has quite a few disused bunkers.”
“Bunkers?”
“Yep. And the European Space Agency HQ. We’re divided as to how best deal with the incoming apocalypse, so we’re split between those who think terraforming Mars is the best option, and those who would prefer to live underground, choosing the brightest and most attractive in order to breed a race of super-environmentally-friendly humans who will eventually rise back up and re-terraform the planet. Can’t talk long, I have somewhere to… er… go.”
“What about the rest of us?” I asked. “And where are these bunkers?”
“Well, we’ve been telling you people for years… and frankly we’re all so bored of harping on at you about it. We give up. We’re saving ourselves, you’re on your own. Best of luck.” And with that he ducked out of reach and ran off.

I attempted to hear more about the location and entrance password of these bunkers by following an attractive group of scientists out of the convention hall, but after some shouting and a kerfuffle, I lost them.

But, you know what? We don’t need them. Wouldn’t it be cool to see the Apocalypse? We’ve all fantasised about living on a moody Blade Runner-esque world, or driving mentally across the desert like Mad Max. If Science Fiction has taught us anything, it’s that post-apocalyptic worlds are vibrant, exciting places with drama, occasional ultraviolence, a loosening of moral restraints, and tons of trying to repopulate the barren, dusty planet with unfeasibly attractive members of the opposite sex. Only without the niggling annoyance of flying insects, or climate scientists, to bother us. Bring it on, I say.

 

Scientists now say that you can stop once you ‘pop’

Pringles. Shaped flavoured crisps (chips in US) supplied in tubes. Satisfying to put in one’s mouth the makers claim. But how satisfying?

“Once you pop, you can’t stop” is the infamous tagline. Bold claim indeed. ‘Pop’ in this context means to pop open the tube or to pop a crisp in your gob.

Sciencer Phillipe Lambert was sent out onto the streets of Birmingham to find out the truth. He came back alive but without his dignity intact.

While on the streets, Dr Lambert handed an unopened and in-date tube of Sour Cream and Chive Pringles to a random passerby. The passerby ate 2 Pringles and then out of sheer English politeness declined to continue eating.

The passerby had stopped eating Pringles. He had previously ‘popped’.

Sciencer Phillipe puts it down to a myriad of things that he deemed far too boring to discuss. He simply had this to say “Pringles are lying out of their arse. The makers, not the crisps themselves.”

It was only seconds later that his dignity was taken in a case of “Birmingham Balls”, the classic in-joke that Brummies love so much.

Franz Reichelt, Birmingham 24th October 2017

Can too much tomato juice kill a human? Scientists now say…

It has been a question whose answer has evaded everyone from Richard Dawkins to Ronald McDonald. Both real and fictional people have tried time and time again to discover the true potential evil of tomato juice.

Can too much tomato juice kill a human?

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Sciencer Tom Arthur, went all the way to some town in Spain to find out. The pictures he came back with told a shocking story. “It was chaos,” recalls Tom supping a Bloody Mary. “I don’t know if you could call them a cult per se but it looked like a pretty big suicide attempt to me. I mean that is, if they had known tomato juice can potentially kill humans.”

Just take a look at the first image below. “It all looks rather fun and innocent,” says Tom half giggling and half crying. “However, a dirty undercurrent of death and self-loathing bubbled just beneath the surface. I was sick in my mouth once”

“One moment, lots of young people were frolicking in the tomato juice,” states Tom. “Then something shocking happened. The men died and the women turned into hairy bikini-clad men.”

Worse still, Sciencer Arthur has the photos to prove it. Those of a delicate nature look away now. Definitely don’t look just below these words.

Men died

Women turned into hairy men

Tom Arthur shocked himself and Scientists Now Say with his own conclusion.

“It is not only a theory but also now scientific fact. Tomato juice can kill a human. Finally we have proof.”

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Franz Reichelt, Berlin, 19th October 2017

Quick Science: When is a door a jar?

The problem with the initial question is this… it presupposes that the door is sometimes a jar.

The question should first be “Is a door ever a jar?” We put this to a world class Sciencer, who has asked to remain nameless and we demanded a quick response. World class Sciencer Anne Margaret devised two cunning tests to find out:

1. She tried to walk through a jar of peanut butter.
2. She tried to store strawberry jam in a door.

Both times she failed miserably.

“It is quite scientifically evident,” said Anne Margaret. “A door is simply not a jar.”

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Franz Reichelt, Berlin, 18th October 2017

Is Scientology really science? Amazingly Scientists Now Say….

Scientists Now Say’s resident Scientology expert Franz Reichelt has delved deep, deep, deep into the the Scientology jungle and come to a shocking conclusion. Earth, October 2017.

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Science. Scientology. Both words begin with the same 5 letters. At the 6th they deviate and take different directions. Let’s remember that fact for later.

Scientology is surely a hot potato, of that there can be no doubt. It’s probably best likened to a piping hot double baked Maris Piper fresh out of the oven. Hold it in your hands and you’re going to get your fingers burned, badly. But is it science?

Some current Theologians are not so sure. Dirk Wigglesthwaite, Head Theologian at the UCL of London, goes as far as saying “Scientology isn’t even a Religion, it’s quite clearly just a lot of half-baked nonsense made up by a now perished Science Fiction writer.” The evidence Dr Wigglesthwaite provides, on the surface, appears pretty conclusive. “Even that man himself didn’t believe in it, he more or less admitted that it was contrived,” said Dirk as he finished the last of a packet of Garibaldis. It was put to Dirk that this didn’t really answer the ultimate question. Dirk smiled, then laughed, then went to the toilet. He came back and triumphantly trumpeted “You’ll understand one day my son¹. Once you’ve reached Operating Thetan level VII. Just make sure you have plenty of money to get there. Scientology is science when you want it to be!”

Franz’s mind and thus the entire collective mind of science had been swayed heavily towards believing that Scientology was not Science. Ready to file his report a nagging in the back of his mind stopped him. Could he truly and honestly justify his conclusion?

There was only one thing for it. Reichelt went undercover. He became a full-on Scientologist. Prior to revealing all of his dark secrets and signing over his life, he went to speak with well respected ex-Scientologist Louis Theroux just to get a feel for things as well as a feel of Louis himself. Louis had at that very meeting said the following:

“Marty Rathburn called me “a rimless zero”. I suppose that’s even less than zero because without the rim it’s just the nothingness in the middle.”

Louis Theroux speaking to Adam Buxton (probably after a few beers)

That was all the encouragement required. Franz spent the next 3 months in the Birmingham Branch of the spider’s web. During the first 2 months there Franz managed to reach the state of Clear, but reacted to it pretty badly. The last month was a whirlwind of drugs, alcohol, prostitution in both directions and bingo.

After rehabilitation, Reichelt vividly remembered everything. He had seen what he could only describe as a shit-ton of Science. “They had these things that you hold,” he said with teary emotional eyes. “You hold them tight and say things that you’ve done. Then this needle moves. Then someone looks at the needle and interprets it subjectively. It’s all very scientific. That’s why you have to pay an increasing amount to reach each level. Because, you know, science is expensive.”

While there he met everyone from the youngest Sea Org member to the charming leader who backed up the claim that Scientology ≡ Science. Franz recalls the defining moment. “He said to me “Franz, if you don’t say that Scientology is Science then I’ll put you in the hole” and from that moment on I just knew. Call it faith, I suppose.”

So there you have it, Scientists Now Say conclusively that Scientology is Science.

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¹ It was later discovered that Dr Wigglesthwaite had tried to bribe Scientist Now Say’s expert towards his way of thinking. A full pack of Wagon Wheels were found in Reichelt’s man-bag with the word ‘Sciencetology’ scribbled on the packet in marker pen.

 

 

Dark Matter “Right Under Our Noses the Whole Bloody Time”

A photograph of the newly discovered dark matter.

 

Jonny Panic, October 16th 2017

#Scientists now say that ‘dark matter’, the mysterious material that has eluded discovery since time began, was “right there under our noses the whole bloody time.”

The search for dark matter has been a long and arduous one, which began in the 1920s when Jan Ort, the famous radio DJ, first pondered about what all the in-between bits of space were. Many other sciencers have been pondering about it too since then, and Science now believes that, since the great Stephen Hawking started the universe in the Big Bang, greedy dark matter has taken up 95% of the known universe. Scientists know it is out there, because its presence is a conveniently helpful way of explaining off some other things we have no possible explanation for yet. So Dark matter is vitally important to science, fills up 95% of everything, and yet somehow, we’ve lost it.

That is, “Until now!”, say a team of 3 scientists from the UCL, London. They believe they have found dark matter, and saved Science from almost certain embarrassment.

“So what took you so bloody long?” I asked Gary Strand, Head Sciencer, at the University of UCL, London.

“Well, it’s dark in space, and dark matter is dark, so of course it is bloomin’ hard to find.”

But the three-man team of scientists persisted, first, by trawling the vast regions of space above the Euston Road using the UUCLL’s powerful x32 magnification telescope.

“Initially, we couldn’t really see much – it was cloudy, and sunny. Then, we decided to try again, only at night, which yielded much better results – we managed to get the moon, and six stars. But those had already been discovered by a team from Atlanta University in 2004.”

The team then decided a change of tack might be in order.

“Space wasn’t really turning up anything – it is dark and everything is so bloody far away – so we decided to try on Earth, instead.”

Having received an anonymous tip off from the University Cleaning Staff, the team immediately rooted through the kitchen cupboards.

“We found some noodles, a half-eaten bacon sandwich, and lots of brown matter, but unfortunately no dark matter.”

By a process of elimination, the team, having searched every other part of the University and discovered nothing, realised that if there was any dark matter at the UUCLL, it would be in the Chancellor’s Office.

“My team stormed into his office, and found it in there.”

After a struggle, the scientists managed to open the safe, and lo, they discovered:

“A huge Black Hole, a highly concentrated mass of Dark Matter, where the money is supposed to be. The other two members of my team were instantly obliterated, but I managed to escape by being in the pub at the time.”

The discovery has been hailed as a milestone in our understanding of finance, but Strand also gave a dire warning:

“We can’t be sure, but, according to our hypothesis, similar concentrations of dark matter may have formed at other public institutions all across the UK. Ultimately it won’t be long until the entire country is sucked in by its gravitational pull and we all collapse in an instant, and then die.”

Still, that’s one more victory for Science.

Scientists now say that the internet DOES need another science website

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1. Question

How important is science and does it exist on the internet?

2. Research

A bit of light research was undertaken. The terms ‘science‘ and ‘scientists‘ were inserted into the address bar of a web browser. The number of hits seemed to confirm that science was one of today’s hot topics.

After a bit of a power struggle, a further search was then commissioned. ‘How many science websites are on the internet‘ returned a whopping 424,000,000 results in 0.52 seconds but failed to provide any sort of immediately accessible answer. It seemed like there was something lacking.

3. Hypothesis

Another science website is needed by the internet.

4. Experiment

A very brief and informal questionnaire was completed by 2 random humans.

5. Analysis

Both humans that were questioned responded almost immediately.

100% of all responses to the question ‘Does the internet need another science website?’ were ‘YES’.

6. Conclusion

Scientists Now Say….the internet is undoubtedly in need of another science website.

F.Reichelt, MEng
Berlin, 13/10/17

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Sciencer’s Thoughts

Only time will tell whether the internet has sufficient space available for what it is in dire need of. It might be tight and it may well have to get forcefully inserted but surely somewhere, somehow a new science website will come from nothing and be born like little baby jesus (miraculously, not out of a vagina).

It certainly is exciting times. The dawn of modern man, the dusk of eternity, soda-stream and all those cool but ultimately pretty shitty 90’s products.

The adventure is far from over. We must venture forth and seek out truth.

We need to know what Scientists Now Say….

Franz